love.pain.the whole damn thing.
another start.......another end?
how is it that this cycle ceases to exist? i swear i turn guys into the kind i DONT want. i'm so sweet, so good, so innocent,mellow and easy-going. and then i expect things to be the way they are in the beginning forever. but for some reason that doesnt happen.how could the honeymoon be over already? after 2 and a half freakin months. they change without fail.it will start with no phone call when i was supposed to get one, or less time spent or maybe non at all. or a non-invite to something a person could take there girlfriend to.or just maybe the ho-hum attitude toward me....less i love you's, less sweet sayings etc. but maybe this is just a hump...but maybe its not.maybe i dont know and that is what i have to figure out. for some reason this person thinks he just the greatest thing ever and that his ho-humness normal...but its not,its different and there is definitely something between us.something that i can feel and i'm sure he can too. i think i'm too easy going with my boyfriends and in turn they just do whatever, dont put the effort in they once did.maybe i just think too much and now because i feel this way, everything this person does i'm going to wonder,to look for those things where i was short changed or sold out.i didnt know i had to lay ground rules for a relationship.well, ya the basics,but should i really have to tell them i require attention, constant love and affection? that seems to be a given....to me. i guess. i'm not high maintenance i just like to feel the love and right now i just am not. i'll give it a bit see how it goes i just cant believe this is going on again. its like it always happens and its always going to be this way with my relationships.they'll never make it to 3 or 6 months cuz it will just fizzle out and i'll be completely turned right off by how they act so i just void the whole damn thing.this is stupid. whenever this happens i just want to leave go somewhere tropical and get drunk on the beach...
to whomever may possibly read: Its my journal.thats it right now.sorry if it doesnt make sense to you.
well its bin one crazy wild ride these last few weeks. i had one minor melt down. and its all good now.well sort of....
i'm so damn scared that this wont last...
how do you buy/get insurance for something like this? or assurance? i need non- damage assurance. i guess not doing things this way for starters.i hope i didnt fuck this all up. i really do. why am i so worried i did? is there any real reason behind my craziness this time? i dont know.more questions than answers and when answers do finally come i'll have forgotten all about what the question was.
practicum is kicking my ass right now.i'm currently in a zombie haze and will remain there for 3-7 more weeks...we'll see how tabor is.
people should not be allowed to be alive at ungodly hours such as 4,5 or 6 a.m its just not right. thinking about it makes me want to barf.ewwww.
fuck.
I hide crazy well. people say I dont seem high strung but I just keep it in well. for example, my instructor was surprised when i told her that in panic situations I run around like a headless chicken on speed. serious. hmmm good attribute of a health care worker? i think not.
I'm tryin to keep the craziness hidden from someone in particular though. i breathe, tell myself its one day at a time, but how long will that last?I'm afraid my brain will take over and i'll spew all these crazy-ass, on the spot questions like verbal diarreah cuz i just cant handle things not going the way i think they should or out of fear that they will go horribly wrong and i will have no control over them and eventually go the same way every other situation like this has ever gone--down the shitter cuz i'm just that insecure.fuck.
why Scrubs is my favorite show/favorite quotes:
"I'm going to poo in front of people!?!?!?"
"I'm insane you idiot"
"carla, you know how I'm really crazy? well, it's just gettin hard to hide the crazy from paul."
(very similar to a conversation i had with a close friend tonite)
"oh miss pac-man, i would sex that bow right off your head.........eat those dots you naughty, naughty girl" (guess who said that one matty)
I&W...maybe less
beyond the ridge to the left, you asked me what i want
betweent the trees and cicadas singing round the pond
"i spent an hour with you should i want anything else?"
one grin and wink like the neon on the liquor store
we were sixteen maybe less, maybe a little more
i walked home smiling finally i had a story to tell
and though an autumn time lullaby sang our new born love to sleep
my brother told me he saw you there
in the woods one christmas eve, waiting
call it predictable,yesterday my dream was of you
beyond the ridge to the west, the sun had left the sky
between the trees and pond you put your hand in mine
said "time has bridled both of us, but i remeber you too"
and though a autumn time lullaby sang our new born love to sleep
i dreamt i traveled and found you there
in the woods one christams eve... waiting
(sorry...i stole this off of postsecret...oops:p)
Iron and wine's music reminds me of my dreams.....vague. its weird when i listen to sea and the rythm or faded from winter its like i'm in one of my dreams or like if i had a soundtrack to my dreams these songs would be on it......its weird i tell ya. no, i'm not on glue.but it sounds like i could be...
daddy's ghost behind you
sleeping dog beside you
you're a poem of mystery
you're the prayer inside me
spoken words like moonlight
your the voice that i like
needle work and seedlings
in the way you're walking
to me from the timbers
faded from the winter
PEACE OUT.
"The thing you fear most has no power, it is your fear of it that has the power."
(no i dont fear leaves)
"I have learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." - Nelson Mandela
The ocd is going quite well thank you.
I know someone who is funny, intelligent, good looking, passionate, clever, caring, compassionate,ambitious, outgoing, spontaneous, humble, and most importantly, Godly. I want someone like this.
the IRONY
i must say something about this, something short. i hope.
it has just plain confused me....i'm talking about the muslim retaliation to the pope's speech a few days ago... i hate to talk about things when they are still caught up in the media frenzy but come on, it has to be said. does anyone else find it ironic that a religion that supposedly promotes peace, etc. has acted out AGAIN in violence over some comments the pope made in which he was not even speaking about his own views but quoting a 16th century byzantine emperor? come on! and i'm not stupid. i know not all muslims are violent and extreme but some are. what would happen if everyone got mad about stupid comments people made about their religions? i dont care if people mock christianity. they do it all the time. but there is something called freedom of speech and freedom of religion. and we must globally adhere to, to respect others views, and NOT act violently just over stupid comments or cartoons or whatever it may be. sound fair? i think so!!! it just blows my mind...the islamic extremists claim islam is "under attack" but they should jog there memory and remember who was doing the attacking on september 11, 2001. since then troops from different countries have been out trying to stop the extremists. which is only fair. it doesnt matter who or what country. this bombing crap should not be going on just because some extreme group doesnt like/or hate a certain country.....is that how we treat people we dont like? we fly planes into their buildings? the fighting on their soil is to find them(it could be for other reasons also, but i'm not getting into that shit) and stop them from doing this again. because they will, and they have done it since then. everyone is blaming the pope. but arent they the ones only proving what many think about their extremist views?- that they use violence to control? to scare?to retaliate? they say they are a people who are about peace, love and doing good deeds so they can get into heaven. but then why are they killing, burning churches, and hurting others because of a stupid comment? how can we think they are about love when they do these things? that doesnt sound like peace to me. so where are the muslims going who are doing the bad things, if they are supposed to get into heaven by doing good? its confusing and ironic to me. anyone else?
my loss or?
loss of love. loss of romance.loss of independence-with you. loss of stability.loss of companionship.loss of a family.loss of dreams.loss of a friend.loss of adventure. loss of someone to challenge me.
you haunt me. you haunt my dreams. its been a year and a half and you are still there. would you please get out now?!? i miss you. i miss adventures with you. i miss the walks we would have had with our son as he grew and walked and talked. i miss us holding hands and cheering him on at his soccer games. i want to scream out in this craziness that i'm mad because i have allowed myself to feel this. i havent before. maybe once. i'm not sure on that cuz i was mad.now i just hurt.
i hated that everyone looked at me with sympathetic eyes at your wedding, as if to say:"poor sheryl, this must be so hard for her" , i smiled politely. they didnt know that after i cried. they didnt know that night i drank trying to forget. it didnt help. i woke to see our son's tiny tux on lying on the floor, with its tiny corsage.....i very much wanted to keep it. i did.they are things that represent a happy, joyous occasion. but i just wanted to squish it under my shoe and throw it in the garbage. so i did. what is going on here in this head of mine? over again i have wondered did i make a mistake? why has this happened? we were so young & naive. i did make a mistake. i think. but i cant be sure. we treated eachother like crap. it could have changed but i didnt even know how to change myself at the time.it could have ended up different. hindsight is 20/20- something you would have said. did this all happen for some divine reason that only God knows? or did i just plain make a mistake- take a chance and play my leaving card? i guess i will know one day. one thing i do know now, that is definitely sure.....the first cut IS the deepest.
my ocd
welllllllll since the last time i've posted here i've been through well, lots, mostly just dealing with my "issues" you know, they are always the same anxiety, depression-whatevs.....i also daily rack my mind when i dont have a 5-year plan stuck in my head that sounds at least half-assed decent. it's really hard for me.....i worry about my future....for me and my son. can i handle it?will i handle it? will i live at home forever and eventually get soooooo frustrated with my parents/everything that i go postal or something? well thats where this newly diagnosed ocd kicks in(yes it is OCD, with a dash of GAD,and possibly others in the anxiety disorder family)......i do actually fear that i am "crazy"..... or am going crazy.......and its a very real fear....and if you've never had this you would have no idea and think this and my various other fears are silly, unecessary,and well, crazy. but to my fellow ocd's and anxiety- controlled peoples you know exactly what i'm talking about. it wasnt until recently that i found out that my fears, worries, and habits were actually obsessions and compulsions(mostly obsessions). dont get me wrong....i've known something has been wrong for at least the past 3 years but i was so uneducated, not only that but i continued to tell myself i was ok.......although at times i couldnt eat for days at a time, i had major stomach problems when i did, i couldnt concentrate or remember things i should, and barfed because i was so nervous/anxious/having a panic attack-which often feels like a heart attack. the panic disorder of 3 years ago has evolved to ocd. so the panic attacks are better but the obsessive/anxious thinking-worse. i think. i dunno. its all the same....these past few years have been nuts.the only sort of relief i seemed to get was when i was on celexa. too bad i decided i didnt need them/they werent working so i took myself off them without my doc. and its been soooo downhill since then. i dont have the ocd that everyone thinks....its not about "neat freaks' or "germ freaks" it comes in a very strange form...its about bad, unwanted, uncontrollable thoughts, fear& irrational fear, compulsive behaviour that theoretically(in the sufferers mind) is supposed to be of relief, but actually causes more grief than good. compulsions arent always there or related though to the thoughts or "obsessions".
well just to give you an idea of what its all about for me here are some of the things i deal with:
*i'm afraid i am crazy or will go crazy like i said before,and that i'm a threat to others---although i am clearly not... because i do not actually have any desire to hurt someone else, but its a FEAR that i am--an irrational fear that doesnt make sense.
*i get sometimes get worried when i'm crouched down or doing something, that someone will suddenly come and stab me in the back-even if no one is around...and i look behind me just to make sure
*i get worried that when i put my son down for a nap that he'll get up, try to climb his dresser, and it and the 33 gal. aquarium will fall down and squish him--sometimes i actually check on him but most of the time i talk myself out of it due to the fact that even i couldnt pull it down.
*i count while i go to the bathroom, i also have some other funny habits like that.
i'd be actually crazy to put all my other thoughts and fears down, so i wont, i'll save it for the ocd message board....
but these are just a mere couple of the things i apparently have to think about...there is no just making them go away, you cant wish,pray or hope them away. so that is that. hopefully i will have the effort, time and energy to post more soon.
broken minds
i'm so not into writing right now but here goes........
i dont even know how to start this......i havent really had much of anything good to say lately--so i havent said anything, but maybe my words here will inspire someone out there......or make them feel not so alone in their thoughts. for the past 3 years my life has been utter turmoil--inner tumoil i suppose. my life has gone no where up til this point and i so desperately want to change it but something stands in my way...well not always...it comes in waves, but, occasionally i slump into a major cycle of depression and anxiety--yes i'm mentally ill---and i dont care anymore who knows...i used to be scared of who knew and what they would think- only because i'm a christian and we arent supposed to get mentally ill--usually it means we arent "spiritual" enough--as some would think in their very pea-sized brains, but we are very spiritual...and sometimes i think too much. it wasnt til recently that i realized i was afraid to admit this to myself....that i have these "issues",because i didnt want to be labelled like people label people with a mental illness--would they hold it against me if i had i had some sort of "physical" ailment, something that was visible?...probly not. but the stigma is attached, and i was worried, and so much so, that it keeps a person from getting help...instead i sit there and think its all spiritual (which i believe it is both mental and spiritual as i have said before) and i should have to suffer because obvioulsy i've done something wrong, such as not prayed enough or perhaps i'm just a "bad" person....but no, its not that at all....its an illness.... and God does still love me,& this physical body is prone to getting anything, whether it be aids, hepatitis, diabetes, or clinical depression. that is LIFE. and i'm tired of people making others with these issues feel like outcasts--the WHO has reported that mental illness is universal---it can affect anyone regardless of gender, age, region, religion, or social status. i am reading an amazing book right now called "broken minds" by steve and robyn bloem...its all about steves mental illness, his recovery, and how he believes people need to drop the stigma and be supportive..... i highly recommend it to anyone suffering from major depression, or a loved one who is trying to help someone else who is dealing with it.
june... a real pick-me-up
i swallow hard
i try to hide the tears away
but you see them
i drown in them again
and again i come alive
but it's not enough to keep me satisfied
i want to live the way i should
i drown again
white with anger
this might be the biggest hole i've ever found
would you reach down....
i grab ahold
then again lose control
contentment.....what a word
its so dark in here,
i could never find it
the haze before me is thick and gray
did you reject me....
i'm blind with confusion
its been so long
and nothing, just nothin
waiting, patience
can i handle anymore....
how can you love but leave me this way
a mess again
how can i show love
when i despise myself too much
and they all think i hate them now
i'm unmovable
tired and ill
too ill to tell
i sit
and wait again
and breath
cliche city
well i've decided i'm too cliche....serious, i sound just like everyone else out there whos messed up and confused who doesnt know the ground from the sky and who doesnt know whether they want decaf coffee or regular, let alone what i will do for a career in the near future. not only that but i'm clinically depressed just like everyone else in north america (anti-depressants are the most prescribed drug in our parts--more than anything else!) and it doesnt help my situation.....and....i'm bored of painting already--or mabye its the fact that i may aswell be paid in buttons, but yes, i should be thankful that i even have a job and scraping by......i guesss. oh well, what can ya do? i just wish an opportunity to do something i enjoy--but not even necessarily pays well would just come along....for now i will keep dreaming.
it's both...
I've come to the conclusion that it is both...........depression causes spiritual "problems", as the human psyche is so closely related to the soul, and spirtual problems cause depression. i think i my case this time....its both. crazy as this all sounds i know. but i doubt any of this could make any sense to someone who hasnt been there. it's soo bizarrre, i feel better, the depression has seemed to lift for now, and i feel in a better place spiritually. i'm not saying i dont still have those issues every now and then, but they are just a little less extreme, i dont have an istant anxiety attack everytime i think about something related to God as i then wonder " is there really a God though?"
It can be such a stressful time. going through times like these, only remind me how our mind is so affected by our soul and vice versa.... it really is, and i have experienced this again and again, only i dont talk about it much so now its all out there. it also doesnt help that i havent exactly been having a great, super, easy fun life for the last couple years and that i cant help but in times like these feel like i'm being punished for something. but these are natural human emotions....so that is that for now.
whats the deal?
sooo whats the deal God?
is it my depression causing my spiritual dismay/drought...or is it my spiritual drought causing my depression?.....see....i said it gets confusing. ahhhh what the F***! i need to get out of my freakin head......
stupid smoothie........all i can taste is banana!!!!!!!!
something i need to share.
ok, so i've been very careful as to who i discuss this with, which translates to pretty much no one. so ya.....since this is my journal, why not share? ....i think it is time.
i dont even know how to start this, how do you say i question like 50% of the time whether God really exists or not? i try not to talk about this stuff with people......i dont want to steer them down this path of question, doubt and anxiety. i dont feel like i should even be hanging out with them let alone talking about my disbelief. sometimes i feel like i belong with all the other "heathens" hahaha. but seriously this isnt really something i like to joke about....as i sit here and type this out my heart breaks, there is nothing i want more in life than to Believe, trust and have faith in God like nothing else......i have no answers for why i am the way i am and have these issues....i see the people around me praising God and just being so happy and i wonder why i cant be like them. i know i was made this way, with this personality for a reason....but why do i have to be the doubter, the questioner, the cynical one? cant i be content? why cant i have this everlasting peace that everyone is always talking about? if i'm supposed to be a christian shouldnt i have these things? not only is there the issues inside my own self that cause me to question, but i look around me and think WTF? what is going on in this world? ok, so maybe this isnt always me......i'm not always like this believe it or not, i've gone through some very positive times aswell, but there is the whole element inside me.....the cycles of depression and whatever else my brain can conjure up. obviously when i'm depressed these issues really get to me. and obviously when i am not, i'm content, i'm at a good place spiritually. but then there is the whole possibility of not being in a good place spiritually, causing the depression in the first place....that is what they say can happen anyways......trust me i could go on.......this shit gets really confusing.
all i know is i have so many questions and no answers as to why things are the way they are. and why i am even here in the first place.... no, i still do not know my purpose on this earth. maybe i will find it soon.
encourage the people who are closest to you and they will be more grateful than you will know.
i wonder......i wonder so much why i am the way i am.....do i like who i am? do i not? where did my weaknesses, insecurities,depression come from and why........i try so hard not to blame my parents but i just cant help but be angry....of course they "did the best they could" but what about now? are they done? am i supposed to be friends with them or just numb, and complacent in everyday life? what if they are crappy friends?..... an overview: my mom doesnt like to deal with issues i have with my upbringing or the way me and my dad have a crappy relationship 95% of the time. if i come to her with my issues...with my dad or sometimes others, it's pretty much like : "hmmmm maybe they are having a bad day" thats it, defend/make excuse, forget about it. easy.done and done. my dad, doesnt like to hear anything about the way he treats others or what he could do differently.....(takes any sort of critisism horribly) and likes to ignore people if they are talking about "feelings"-- emotional unavailability, but most of all he likes to find the bad in situations, he voices every negative thing that pops into his head and rarely--once in a BLUE moon do i hear something "positive". they went away last weekend and a girl at a restaurant served them...she was new and obviously having difficlties, my mom noticed and said to my dad that she felt bad for her. on their way out my mom gave her a word of encouragement and my dad said " you are doing a good job dear".......to hear this made me want to cry. i think its great...she proble was having a bad day. but do you know how long its been since i've heard something like that from him? years. encouragement is very hard to come by here. as christians shouldnt the encouragement start at home? showing it to the people who are closests to us? sadly, that isnt always the case, and i'm soo scared i will do this to griffin. will i be there for him in his time of need? will i see that he is having a craapy time and take the time out to talk to him about it, whether he is 2, 12, 22, 32--or whatever? will i realize he needs a positive word spoken into his life every once in a while?and see when he needs special encouragement or will i bombard him with something negative about everything he is doing?....... shouldnt we be there for those we love? my mother's answer to that is that i find a husband to always be there for me--someone to be on "my side"...... true story. in the service today i was reminded that when earthly fathers fail, God is always there. but please, dont be one of those fathers....they suck. try your hardest not to fail and your children will be that much happier.
I stopped to smell the roses...or?
ok, so this whole blog thing is pretty boring...the set up i mean, well, i'm not some fancy-pants freakin computer person who knows all the stuff to make things like this cool. so yah, and i dont really care. this is just a journal for me basically, because i'm just too lazy to actually write all this out on paper.
so today was another lazy summer day...but i stopped to smell the flowers......or in my case, my son's head....there is something about little boys, the way they smell after they've had sunscreen on all day while playing outside. the dirt, the air, the smell. its one of those things you want to hold on to forever and never let go of. and if i could bottle it and keep it for one day when he is all grown up and no longer my little boy, i would. i guess thats what you do when you are a mama. i love him. and making him happy makes me happy. one day God will use him for something amazing. he is amazing. at two and a half his personality blows me away. he just has so much of it. and he has a lot of love in his little heart.
i swear, he is what keeps going....if he wasnt around i have no idea where i would be.....no idea.
ahhhhhh!......... i dont know what to do with my life but that is a whole completely different story altogether.....i think i'll go watch lara croft: tomb raider, maybe she can provide a super jolt of inpiration for me....probly not, but i've havent seen either one yet.
a lazy summer day.........
today i've been thinking a lot about lonliness......it;s just another day in the life but i think about what all my friends are doing and how i feel like the only one who doesnt have a "life" you know, the kinda life where they are always up to something always doing something fun... i never wanted to be one of those people who always needed to be doing something, or be entertained but i'm finding i am that kind of person....seeing as how if i'm not doing something i'm depressed or lonely(well not always) i'm also going through this weird self-concious phase where i seem to really care about what people think about me-- a lot, like i dont "fit in" with the people i want to,like everything i do or say is being judged and marked accordingly and then labelled "weird"---(dont ask)... i was told once that you cant be friends with everyone....which is very true....i've always been the kind of person that thinks 'why not?".there so many different types of people--those who don't care about making new friends-stuck in their bubble with their own "group", and there are people who stick to only a couple friends, people who are social "vagrants"-who move from friend/group to another and then maybe back again. and then....there are people like me--who always want to make a new friend(of course i'm not always able to do this, i am actually shy too) and think that everyone should just get along and be buddies--i want people to be MY friend also, and i want to be liked and if for some reason it doesnt work out that we become friends...i take it personally, call me silly or "weird" but this is just how i am dont ask how i got this way cuz i just dont know, although i do have a few ideas.....
mmmmm k...not too deep(today)
today was super fun, i went to the lake with stevie and megan(her sis) and we floated about for like 4 freakin hours.......headache.....too much sun.
so i dunno even what to write about....i think i'm not depressed enough to think of anything deep,emotional/artistic/brilliant---mmm k.....life is soo weird.......i have been feeling better tho these last couple days. i havent posted here since i set this all up cuz i wasnt even sure if i could commit or stick with it or let you all read my heaps of verbal diarreah that make there way onto this blog.......so thats it for today!!!!!!
who knew you couldnt copy and paste to this thing???crazy!
the sheryl introduction
well i've decided that i'm as cool as matt now, so i too should graduate to "blogger.com".
ummm so i totally just grabbed whatever picture of me for this and this is the one i got(turns out its the one i use for everything unfortunately) and i cant figure out how to get rid of it so yah,it's just here.
well i think i want to start this to seriously keep a journal type thing....No More Pretending......because i'm realizing now that A LOT of people dont really now me, and they think they do. and i'm realizing lots of people out there like to pretend they have it all together, or feel they should(including me).that's Not so much the case.this will be way different than anything because it will be the REAL me, not the girl who pretends everything is just great(unless i'm talking to matt or deb....hahaha-they hear it all) this is will be the parts of me who is random, tries to be the best christian i can be, who drinks, smokes,swears way too much when i'm mad, who gets depressed, who deals with an anxiety disorder(at my worst), who wants to be a great person, but realizes my humanity gets in the way(not used as an excuse tho) and................who wants the world (or whoever will actually consider reading this)to know who i am, because i'm tired of pretending and i just dont care.
