No More Pretending

my ocd

welllllllll since the last time i've posted here i've been through well, lots, mostly just dealing with my "issues" you know, they are always the same anxiety, depression-whatevs.....i also daily rack my mind when i dont have a 5-year plan stuck in my head that sounds at least half-assed decent. it's really hard for me.....i worry about my future....for me and my son. can i handle it?will i handle it? will i live at home forever and eventually get soooooo frustrated with my parents/everything that i go postal or something? well thats where this newly diagnosed ocd kicks in(yes it is OCD, with a dash of GAD,and possibly others in the anxiety disorder family)......i do actually fear that i am "crazy"..... or am going crazy.......and its a very real fear....and if you've never had this you would have no idea and think this and my various other fears are silly, unecessary,and well, crazy. but to my fellow ocd's and anxiety- controlled peoples you know exactly what i'm talking about. it wasnt until recently that i found out that my fears, worries, and habits were actually obsessions and compulsions(mostly obsessions). dont get me wrong....i've known something has been wrong for at least the past 3 years but i was so uneducated, not only that but i continued to tell myself i was ok.......although at times i couldnt eat for days at a time, i had major stomach problems when i did, i couldnt concentrate or remember things i should, and barfed because i was so nervous/anxious/having a panic attack-which often feels like a heart attack. the panic disorder of 3 years ago has evolved to ocd. so the panic attacks are better but the obsessive/anxious thinking-worse. i think. i dunno. its all the same....these past few years have been nuts.the only sort of relief i seemed to get was when i was on celexa. too bad i decided i didnt need them/they werent working so i took myself off them without my doc. and its been soooo downhill since then. i dont have the ocd that everyone thinks....its not about "neat freaks' or "germ freaks" it comes in a very strange form...its about bad, unwanted, uncontrollable thoughts, fear& irrational fear, compulsive behaviour that theoretically(in the sufferers mind) is supposed to be of relief, but actually causes more grief than good. compulsions arent always there or related though to the thoughts or "obsessions".
well just to give you an idea of what its all about for me here are some of the things i deal with:

*i'm afraid i am crazy or will go crazy like i said before,and that i'm a threat to others---although i am clearly not... because i do not actually have any desire to hurt someone else, but its a FEAR that i am--an irrational fear that doesnt make sense.
*i get sometimes get worried when i'm crouched down or doing something, that someone will suddenly come and stab me in the back-even if no one is around...and i look behind me just to make sure
*i get worried that when i put my son down for a nap that he'll get up, try to climb his dresser, and it and the 33 gal. aquarium will fall down and squish him--sometimes i actually check on him but most of the time i talk myself out of it due to the fact that even i couldnt pull it down.
*i count while i go to the bathroom, i also have some other funny habits like that.
i'd be actually crazy to put all my other thoughts and fears down, so i wont, i'll save it for the ocd message board....
but these are just a mere couple of the things i apparently have to think about...there is no just making them go away, you cant wish,pray or hope them away. so that is that. hopefully i will have the effort, time and energy to post more soon.

posted by No More Pretending @ 10:43 PM