june... a real pick-me-up
i swallow hard
i try to hide the tears away
but you see them
i drown in them again
and again i come alive
but it's not enough to keep me satisfied
i want to live the way i should
i drown again
white with anger
this might be the biggest hole i've ever found
would you reach down....
i grab ahold
then again lose control
contentment.....what a word
its so dark in here,
i could never find it
the haze before me is thick and gray
did you reject me....
i'm blind with confusion
its been so long
and nothing, just nothin
waiting, patience
can i handle anymore....
how can you love but leave me this way
a mess again
how can i show love
when i despise myself too much
and they all think i hate them now
i'm unmovable
tired and ill
too ill to tell
i sit
and wait again
and breath
cliche city
well i've decided i'm too cliche....serious, i sound just like everyone else out there whos messed up and confused who doesnt know the ground from the sky and who doesnt know whether they want decaf coffee or regular, let alone what i will do for a career in the near future. not only that but i'm clinically depressed just like everyone else in north america (anti-depressants are the most prescribed drug in our parts--more than anything else!) and it doesnt help my situation.....and....i'm bored of painting already--or mabye its the fact that i may aswell be paid in buttons, but yes, i should be thankful that i even have a job and scraping by......i guesss. oh well, what can ya do? i just wish an opportunity to do something i enjoy--but not even necessarily pays well would just come along....for now i will keep dreaming.
it's both...
I've come to the conclusion that it is both...........depression causes spiritual "problems", as the human psyche is so closely related to the soul, and spirtual problems cause depression. i think i my case this time....its both. crazy as this all sounds i know. but i doubt any of this could make any sense to someone who hasnt been there. it's soo bizarrre, i feel better, the depression has seemed to lift for now, and i feel in a better place spiritually. i'm not saying i dont still have those issues every now and then, but they are just a little less extreme, i dont have an istant anxiety attack everytime i think about something related to God as i then wonder " is there really a God though?"
It can be such a stressful time. going through times like these, only remind me how our mind is so affected by our soul and vice versa.... it really is, and i have experienced this again and again, only i dont talk about it much so now its all out there. it also doesnt help that i havent exactly been having a great, super, easy fun life for the last couple years and that i cant help but in times like these feel like i'm being punished for something. but these are natural human emotions....so that is that for now.
whats the deal?
sooo whats the deal God?
is it my depression causing my spiritual dismay/drought...or is it my spiritual drought causing my depression?.....see....i said it gets confusing. ahhhh what the F***! i need to get out of my freakin head......
stupid smoothie........all i can taste is banana!!!!!!!!
something i need to share.
ok, so i've been very careful as to who i discuss this with, which translates to pretty much no one. so ya.....since this is my journal, why not share? ....i think it is time.
i dont even know how to start this, how do you say i question like 50% of the time whether God really exists or not? i try not to talk about this stuff with people......i dont want to steer them down this path of question, doubt and anxiety. i dont feel like i should even be hanging out with them let alone talking about my disbelief. sometimes i feel like i belong with all the other "heathens" hahaha. but seriously this isnt really something i like to joke about....as i sit here and type this out my heart breaks, there is nothing i want more in life than to Believe, trust and have faith in God like nothing else......i have no answers for why i am the way i am and have these issues....i see the people around me praising God and just being so happy and i wonder why i cant be like them. i know i was made this way, with this personality for a reason....but why do i have to be the doubter, the questioner, the cynical one? cant i be content? why cant i have this everlasting peace that everyone is always talking about? if i'm supposed to be a christian shouldnt i have these things? not only is there the issues inside my own self that cause me to question, but i look around me and think WTF? what is going on in this world? ok, so maybe this isnt always me......i'm not always like this believe it or not, i've gone through some very positive times aswell, but there is the whole element inside me.....the cycles of depression and whatever else my brain can conjure up. obviously when i'm depressed these issues really get to me. and obviously when i am not, i'm content, i'm at a good place spiritually. but then there is the whole possibility of not being in a good place spiritually, causing the depression in the first place....that is what they say can happen anyways......trust me i could go on.......this shit gets really confusing.
all i know is i have so many questions and no answers as to why things are the way they are. and why i am even here in the first place.... no, i still do not know my purpose on this earth. maybe i will find it soon.
encourage the people who are closest to you and they will be more grateful than you will know.
i wonder......i wonder so much why i am the way i am.....do i like who i am? do i not? where did my weaknesses, insecurities,depression come from and why........i try so hard not to blame my parents but i just cant help but be angry....of course they "did the best they could" but what about now? are they done? am i supposed to be friends with them or just numb, and complacent in everyday life? what if they are crappy friends?..... an overview: my mom doesnt like to deal with issues i have with my upbringing or the way me and my dad have a crappy relationship 95% of the time. if i come to her with my issues...with my dad or sometimes others, it's pretty much like : "hmmmm maybe they are having a bad day" thats it, defend/make excuse, forget about it. easy.done and done. my dad, doesnt like to hear anything about the way he treats others or what he could do differently.....(takes any sort of critisism horribly) and likes to ignore people if they are talking about "feelings"-- emotional unavailability, but most of all he likes to find the bad in situations, he voices every negative thing that pops into his head and rarely--once in a BLUE moon do i hear something "positive". they went away last weekend and a girl at a restaurant served them...she was new and obviously having difficlties, my mom noticed and said to my dad that she felt bad for her. on their way out my mom gave her a word of encouragement and my dad said " you are doing a good job dear".......to hear this made me want to cry. i think its great...she proble was having a bad day. but do you know how long its been since i've heard something like that from him? years. encouragement is very hard to come by here. as christians shouldnt the encouragement start at home? showing it to the people who are closests to us? sadly, that isnt always the case, and i'm soo scared i will do this to griffin. will i be there for him in his time of need? will i see that he is having a craapy time and take the time out to talk to him about it, whether he is 2, 12, 22, 32--or whatever? will i realize he needs a positive word spoken into his life every once in a while?and see when he needs special encouragement or will i bombard him with something negative about everything he is doing?....... shouldnt we be there for those we love? my mother's answer to that is that i find a husband to always be there for me--someone to be on "my side"...... true story. in the service today i was reminded that when earthly fathers fail, God is always there. but please, dont be one of those fathers....they suck. try your hardest not to fail and your children will be that much happier.
I stopped to smell the roses...or?
ok, so this whole blog thing is pretty boring...the set up i mean, well, i'm not some fancy-pants freakin computer person who knows all the stuff to make things like this cool. so yah, and i dont really care. this is just a journal for me basically, because i'm just too lazy to actually write all this out on paper.
so today was another lazy summer day...but i stopped to smell the flowers......or in my case, my son's head....there is something about little boys, the way they smell after they've had sunscreen on all day while playing outside. the dirt, the air, the smell. its one of those things you want to hold on to forever and never let go of. and if i could bottle it and keep it for one day when he is all grown up and no longer my little boy, i would. i guess thats what you do when you are a mama. i love him. and making him happy makes me happy. one day God will use him for something amazing. he is amazing. at two and a half his personality blows me away. he just has so much of it. and he has a lot of love in his little heart.
i swear, he is what keeps going....if he wasnt around i have no idea where i would be.....no idea.
ahhhhhh!......... i dont know what to do with my life but that is a whole completely different story altogether.....i think i'll go watch lara croft: tomb raider, maybe she can provide a super jolt of inpiration for me....probly not, but i've havent seen either one yet.
a lazy summer day.........
today i've been thinking a lot about lonliness......it;s just another day in the life but i think about what all my friends are doing and how i feel like the only one who doesnt have a "life" you know, the kinda life where they are always up to something always doing something fun... i never wanted to be one of those people who always needed to be doing something, or be entertained but i'm finding i am that kind of person....seeing as how if i'm not doing something i'm depressed or lonely(well not always) i'm also going through this weird self-concious phase where i seem to really care about what people think about me-- a lot, like i dont "fit in" with the people i want to,like everything i do or say is being judged and marked accordingly and then labelled "weird"---(dont ask)... i was told once that you cant be friends with everyone....which is very true....i've always been the kind of person that thinks 'why not?".there so many different types of people--those who don't care about making new friends-stuck in their bubble with their own "group", and there are people who stick to only a couple friends, people who are social "vagrants"-who move from friend/group to another and then maybe back again. and then....there are people like me--who always want to make a new friend(of course i'm not always able to do this, i am actually shy too) and think that everyone should just get along and be buddies--i want people to be MY friend also, and i want to be liked and if for some reason it doesnt work out that we become friends...i take it personally, call me silly or "weird" but this is just how i am dont ask how i got this way cuz i just dont know, although i do have a few ideas.....
