something i need to share.
ok, so i've been very careful as to who i discuss this with, which translates to pretty much no one. so ya.....since this is my journal, why not share? ....i think it is time.
i dont even know how to start this, how do you say i question like 50% of the time whether God really exists or not? i try not to talk about this stuff with people......i dont want to steer them down this path of question, doubt and anxiety. i dont feel like i should even be hanging out with them let alone talking about my disbelief. sometimes i feel like i belong with all the other "heathens" hahaha. but seriously this isnt really something i like to joke about....as i sit here and type this out my heart breaks, there is nothing i want more in life than to Believe, trust and have faith in God like nothing else......i have no answers for why i am the way i am and have these issues....i see the people around me praising God and just being so happy and i wonder why i cant be like them. i know i was made this way, with this personality for a reason....but why do i have to be the doubter, the questioner, the cynical one? cant i be content? why cant i have this everlasting peace that everyone is always talking about? if i'm supposed to be a christian shouldnt i have these things? not only is there the issues inside my own self that cause me to question, but i look around me and think WTF? what is going on in this world? ok, so maybe this isnt always me......i'm not always like this believe it or not, i've gone through some very positive times aswell, but there is the whole element inside me.....the cycles of depression and whatever else my brain can conjure up. obviously when i'm depressed these issues really get to me. and obviously when i am not, i'm content, i'm at a good place spiritually. but then there is the whole possibility of not being in a good place spiritually, causing the depression in the first place....that is what they say can happen anyways......trust me i could go on.......this shit gets really confusing.
all i know is i have so many questions and no answers as to why things are the way they are. and why i am even here in the first place.... no, i still do not know my purpose on this earth. maybe i will find it soon.
posted by No More Pretending @ 11:45 PM
2 Comments:
hi, im just a blogger and blog surfer.
i read your post, and see you are having some real issues, i dont usualy comment, but i feel i am needed. you question god, "question, doubt and anxiety" you said. when you awnser the questions, and settle the doubt, you will have no more anxiety, and better yet, you will have your awnser of god. as for how things are shaping up in the world, that must be part of your awnsers. im dont belive in god, but whatever you belive, know that every one plays a part, and it may not seem a good one.
I don't get why you never bring it up with us. I mean come on. I question almost everything. Sheryl you and I share a lot in common with the way we think, you would have to know I've been there, I am there. Next time your over and we're all sitting on the swing, bring it up. I dare ya, it might just be worth it.
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