No More Pretending

my loss or?

loss of love. loss of romance.loss of independence-with you. loss of stability.loss of companionship.loss of a family.loss of dreams.loss of a friend.loss of adventure. loss of someone to challenge me.
you haunt me. you haunt my dreams. its been a year and a half and you are still there. would you please get out now?!? i miss you. i miss adventures with you. i miss the walks we would have had with our son as he grew and walked and talked. i miss us holding hands and cheering him on at his soccer games. i want to scream out in this craziness that i'm mad because i have allowed myself to feel this. i havent before. maybe once. i'm not sure on that cuz i was mad.now i just hurt.
i hated that everyone looked at me with sympathetic eyes at your wedding, as if to say:"poor sheryl, this must be so hard for her" , i smiled politely. they didnt know that after i cried. they didnt know that night i drank trying to forget. it didnt help. i woke to see our son's tiny tux on lying on the floor, with its tiny corsage.....i very much wanted to keep it. i did.they are things that represent a happy, joyous occasion. but i just wanted to squish it under my shoe and throw it in the garbage. so i did. what is going on here in this head of mine? over again i have wondered did i make a mistake? why has this happened? we were so young & naive. i did make a mistake. i think. but i cant be sure. we treated eachother like crap. it could have changed but i didnt even know how to change myself at the time.it could have ended up different. hindsight is 20/20- something you would have said. did this all happen for some divine reason that only God knows? or did i just plain make a mistake- take a chance and play my leaving card? i guess i will know one day. one thing i do know now, that is definitely sure.....the first cut IS the deepest.

posted by No More Pretending @ 11:13 PM