the IRONY
i must say something about this, something short. i hope.
it has just plain confused me....i'm talking about the muslim retaliation to the pope's speech a few days ago... i hate to talk about things when they are still caught up in the media frenzy but come on, it has to be said. does anyone else find it ironic that a religion that supposedly promotes peace, etc. has acted out AGAIN in violence over some comments the pope made in which he was not even speaking about his own views but quoting a 16th century byzantine emperor? come on! and i'm not stupid. i know not all muslims are violent and extreme but some are. what would happen if everyone got mad about stupid comments people made about their religions? i dont care if people mock christianity. they do it all the time. but there is something called freedom of speech and freedom of religion. and we must globally adhere to, to respect others views, and NOT act violently just over stupid comments or cartoons or whatever it may be. sound fair? i think so!!! it just blows my mind...the islamic extremists claim islam is "under attack" but they should jog there memory and remember who was doing the attacking on september 11, 2001. since then troops from different countries have been out trying to stop the extremists. which is only fair. it doesnt matter who or what country. this bombing crap should not be going on just because some extreme group doesnt like/or hate a certain country.....is that how we treat people we dont like? we fly planes into their buildings? the fighting on their soil is to find them(it could be for other reasons also, but i'm not getting into that shit) and stop them from doing this again. because they will, and they have done it since then. everyone is blaming the pope. but arent they the ones only proving what many think about their extremist views?- that they use violence to control? to scare?to retaliate? they say they are a people who are about peace, love and doing good deeds so they can get into heaven. but then why are they killing, burning churches, and hurting others because of a stupid comment? how can we think they are about love when they do these things? that doesnt sound like peace to me. so where are the muslims going who are doing the bad things, if they are supposed to get into heaven by doing good? its confusing and ironic to me. anyone else?
my loss or?
loss of love. loss of romance.loss of independence-with you. loss of stability.loss of companionship.loss of a family.loss of dreams.loss of a friend.loss of adventure. loss of someone to challenge me.
you haunt me. you haunt my dreams. its been a year and a half and you are still there. would you please get out now?!? i miss you. i miss adventures with you. i miss the walks we would have had with our son as he grew and walked and talked. i miss us holding hands and cheering him on at his soccer games. i want to scream out in this craziness that i'm mad because i have allowed myself to feel this. i havent before. maybe once. i'm not sure on that cuz i was mad.now i just hurt.
i hated that everyone looked at me with sympathetic eyes at your wedding, as if to say:"poor sheryl, this must be so hard for her" , i smiled politely. they didnt know that after i cried. they didnt know that night i drank trying to forget. it didnt help. i woke to see our son's tiny tux on lying on the floor, with its tiny corsage.....i very much wanted to keep it. i did.they are things that represent a happy, joyous occasion. but i just wanted to squish it under my shoe and throw it in the garbage. so i did. what is going on here in this head of mine? over again i have wondered did i make a mistake? why has this happened? we were so young & naive. i did make a mistake. i think. but i cant be sure. we treated eachother like crap. it could have changed but i didnt even know how to change myself at the time.it could have ended up different. hindsight is 20/20- something you would have said. did this all happen for some divine reason that only God knows? or did i just plain make a mistake- take a chance and play my leaving card? i guess i will know one day. one thing i do know now, that is definitely sure.....the first cut IS the deepest.
my ocd
welllllllll since the last time i've posted here i've been through well, lots, mostly just dealing with my "issues" you know, they are always the same anxiety, depression-whatevs.....i also daily rack my mind when i dont have a 5-year plan stuck in my head that sounds at least half-assed decent. it's really hard for me.....i worry about my future....for me and my son. can i handle it?will i handle it? will i live at home forever and eventually get soooooo frustrated with my parents/everything that i go postal or something? well thats where this newly diagnosed ocd kicks in(yes it is OCD, with a dash of GAD,and possibly others in the anxiety disorder family)......i do actually fear that i am "crazy"..... or am going crazy.......and its a very real fear....and if you've never had this you would have no idea and think this and my various other fears are silly, unecessary,and well, crazy. but to my fellow ocd's and anxiety- controlled peoples you know exactly what i'm talking about. it wasnt until recently that i found out that my fears, worries, and habits were actually obsessions and compulsions(mostly obsessions). dont get me wrong....i've known something has been wrong for at least the past 3 years but i was so uneducated, not only that but i continued to tell myself i was ok.......although at times i couldnt eat for days at a time, i had major stomach problems when i did, i couldnt concentrate or remember things i should, and barfed because i was so nervous/anxious/having a panic attack-which often feels like a heart attack. the panic disorder of 3 years ago has evolved to ocd. so the panic attacks are better but the obsessive/anxious thinking-worse. i think. i dunno. its all the same....these past few years have been nuts.the only sort of relief i seemed to get was when i was on celexa. too bad i decided i didnt need them/they werent working so i took myself off them without my doc. and its been soooo downhill since then. i dont have the ocd that everyone thinks....its not about "neat freaks' or "germ freaks" it comes in a very strange form...its about bad, unwanted, uncontrollable thoughts, fear& irrational fear, compulsive behaviour that theoretically(in the sufferers mind) is supposed to be of relief, but actually causes more grief than good. compulsions arent always there or related though to the thoughts or "obsessions".
well just to give you an idea of what its all about for me here are some of the things i deal with:
*i'm afraid i am crazy or will go crazy like i said before,and that i'm a threat to others---although i am clearly not... because i do not actually have any desire to hurt someone else, but its a FEAR that i am--an irrational fear that doesnt make sense.
*i get sometimes get worried when i'm crouched down or doing something, that someone will suddenly come and stab me in the back-even if no one is around...and i look behind me just to make sure
*i get worried that when i put my son down for a nap that he'll get up, try to climb his dresser, and it and the 33 gal. aquarium will fall down and squish him--sometimes i actually check on him but most of the time i talk myself out of it due to the fact that even i couldnt pull it down.
*i count while i go to the bathroom, i also have some other funny habits like that.
i'd be actually crazy to put all my other thoughts and fears down, so i wont, i'll save it for the ocd message board....
but these are just a mere couple of the things i apparently have to think about...there is no just making them go away, you cant wish,pray or hope them away. so that is that. hopefully i will have the effort, time and energy to post more soon.
